THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART
Before I begin I first need to tell you all just how grateful I am for all the love and support I have received over the past few days, not only toward me but toward my husband as well. I know that I have had an amazing support system standing behind me since day one and also by many who have entered my life since but this week I am beyond overwhelmed by the kindness of others. I have received so many encouraging and heartfelt messages both privately and on Social Media and I have placed each and every one of them deep inside my heart. I have been contacted by and visited with so many new and old friends (including my babysitter from when I was still living in Montreal as a young child). I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart even though words cannot truly express how much it has all really meant to me.
I am sure by now you may also realize that the last few days have been by far some of the worst days I’ve encountered throughout my journey. What I experienced the other night from our Healthcare System has left me feeling even further broken and scarred and has managed to take away what little hope I may have had left. But the worst part of it all for me is seeing the impact it has had on my husband who has also been left pretty darn broken and scarred himself.
I do not have the strength to go to the hospital even if it is being strongly “encouraged” and would mean giving my loved ones a sense of relief and security knowing that I am in a safe place. I truly feel like there is no point in going through the motions anymore as I know what is awaiting me on the other side including further panic, trauma and heartache. As I sit here writing this I am trying desperately to figure out what is really best for me right now. As someone who was diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression several years ago it has only made my journey that much more exhausting because there truly isn’t a conventional medication or treatment that I haven’t tried and all other avenues seem to be met with so many roadblocks. Being diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Depression basically means that a person with a major depressive disorder does not respond to typical medication and treatments used to manage or control depression.
I have told many of you through my writing about what my recovery has looked like for the past 4.5 years starting with the over 20 medications I have tried all of which have done nothing less than destroy me physically and leave me feeling no sense of relief mentally. I have been kept in several hospitals for 1 night, 2 weeks and over 3 months at a time where I have been pumped with more and more medication (all of which I stopped taking about 2 years ago), I’ve had Electric Shock Therapy (ECT) and I have even been a guinea pig for research on the effects that Ketamine can have to help ease the symptoms of Depression.
During these years I have also been involved in many group therapies and programs (which have sincerely taught me several useful skills, but not a cure) and I have also tried acupuncture, meditation, mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and much more, but through all of the above treatments/medications etc, traditional talk therapy has been the one constant in my life and I must mention that it has been the most helpful tool for me over this past year since finally finding a therapist who I am comfortable with.
So you can probably imagine now why someone such as myself would continue to feel hopeless, worthless and 100 percent discouraged because after years of continually making the effort to find that one treatment that may give me some sort of relief or that may stop me from fighting with those intrusive thoughts in my head there comes a time when you feel completely demoralized and defeated for fear that you will never get better.
As I stated earlier I am sitting here writing while I continue to struggle to figure out what I need right now and more importantly what I don’t need. I have spent the better part of the last few days asking myself that very question over and over and over again and I am so thankful knowing I have a safe place to turn to when I need to talk but I also know that our Healthcare System is failing so many people who are suffering with a mental illness and my heart and soul feel totally crushed knowing that it can’t give me what I need right now. Instead I find myself searching for alternative treatment programs that can treat my needs as an individual and not as a disorder but they too seem so unattainable for me and way beyond my reach or pocket book (So Dr. Phil if you’re reading this, I could use your help with some of your connections right about now!).