I didn’t sleep much last night. I had a pounding headache which began shortly after my treatment ended in the early part of the evening yesterday and just got progressively worse as the night wore on. It still hurts today.
Yesterday’s experience was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I gave the Nurse permission to increase my dose of Ketamine this time hoping it will somehow make a difference. I’d felt very safe with her and a real sense of calm in her presence one week earlier which is something I have not felt with the other two Nurses who have also been under my care. Kindness and compassion sure do go a long way.
Before she administered the higher dose to me I needed to sign off on it first. While doing so we also spoke in great length about how distressing my week had been and how I am feeling very much alone in this process right now and often triggered because no matter how many doctors you talk to or how much research you do on the incredible affects that Psychedelics can have on individuals with treatment resistant depression and suicidal ideations or how many testimonials you may watch from strangers on YouTube who seem to have felt an almost instantaneous release from their symptoms of depression and suicidal ideations, no one is living in my body or mind and with each passing treatment I am feeling more and more like a failure.
She listened intently. I felt understood. I was ready to begin.
She handed me the tablet. I placed it under my tongue and swooshed it around until it dissolved. I was still playing around with my phone, trying to find which playlist to listen to but almost immediately my lips went numb and my limbs felt heavy and then suddenly the room began to spin. My vision went blurred and I saw two of everything. Sounds became muffled like I was under water.
It came on fast and furious. I quickly on my sleep mask and began my descent into another world. A scary and super intense world.
A world that took me back to my childhood. My precious childhood dog Bamboo paid me a visit (she died one week before my wedding). I believe she was there to protect me as I began running away. I held onto her tightly as I was being chased through a dark forest where the ground was filled with fallen leaves. The leaves were mostly yellow, a few were red.
I was easily startled as the experience deepened. I became very confused and kept asking out loud where am I as I ran for my life. I felt a shortness of breath. I watched all this happening from outside of my own body. I was completely disconnected as my body floated beside me the whole time.
It was an extremely distressing experience to say the very least but maybe, just maybe it was an experience that needed to happen.
#ketaminetreatment #psychedelics #treatmentnumberfour #treatmentresiatantdepression #suicidalideations #inthezone #sleepmask #mentalhealth #youareenough #youarenotalone