Last Night

Last night I went for “Lucky Number 7”. 

Last night I increased the dose again.

Last night I felt a departure from my body.

Last night I felt a near death experience and for quite some time I was pretty certain I actually was dead.

Last night I felt a connection to God. 

Last night I lost all sense of reality and time. Everything felt distorted, blurred. 

Last night I had very intrusive and overwhelmingly intense visions from both my past and present.

Last night I encountered non-terrestrial like beings during my state of consciousness. 

Last night I cried alot. I screamed alot. I shook alot.

Last night I feared for my loved one’s safety. 

Last night I felt the warmth of Rich’s hand reaching out to calm me. The nurse came in to turn on some soothing music after I ripped my ear buds out of my ears. 

Last night I begged for forgiveness, I pleaded for help. I prayed my loved ones would all be ok without me. 

Last night I demanded the feeling to stop. Over and over and over again.

Last night felt like the scariest night of my entire life and the most emotionally draining experience ever.

Last night didn’t feel so lucky to me. It was very distressing. Fucked up to say the least but still, somehow I left there feeling a sense of peace in my heart.

#aboutlastnight #ketamine #treatmentresiatantdepression #luckynumberseven #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #suicideawareness #youareenough #youarenotalone

Lucky Number Seven

*MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME*

I had a “check in” this morning with the Psychiatrist who I spoke with for the first time 3 weeks ago right after my fourth Ketamine treatment was completed. 

I mentioned to you at the time that my regular Psychiatrist who happens to also be the Clinical Director of the Ketamine treatment facility I’ve been going to had taken a two month Paternity leave upon the arrival of his first baby. He began his leave just days before the start of my first treatment. Not having him available to help guide me during my treatments has made it really hard.

He will be back at work next week (time flies when you’re having fun!) and I have an appointment already scheduled to speak with him next Thursday where I will discuss how the initial 6 Ketamine treatments went and what new plans and other options there are going forward which his colleague mapped out for me today.

I’ve really appreciated how compassionate and patient my Psychiatrist’s colleague has been with me during my 2 appointments with him but it’s just not the same feeling as having your own Doctor available to you who you are already comfortable with and knows your history.

I’ve been relatively quiet about my treatment since completing my sixth one a couple of weeks ago. The truth is I completely shattered several days later. 

I was afraid of this happening. 

I was afraid that I would fail at yet another treatment for my already Treatment Resistant Depression. Which in my eyes is exactly what has happened.

It’s left me feeling very vulnerable, overwhelmed, empty inside, numb, hopeless, sleepless, tearful, sad, EXTREMELY anxious and allured by suicide. 

Depression is always present in my daily life. There may be some ebbs and flows throughout my day or week but it has never disappeared. 

Life is not linear. When our life “flows” we can see and feel our purpose, our hopes, our dreams. But when our life “ebbs” we struggle to fight to hold onto our lifeboat in order to not get swept away by the currant. 

That’s how I’ve felt for many days now so after speaking with the Psychiatrist today I agreed to keep my appointment for this coming Saturday evening where I will attempt an additional Ketamine treatment at an even higher dose. oy vey.

Let’s just call it “Lucky Number 7” because apparently “Lucky Number 7” is a real thing and has a strong connection to many ancient beliefs; and besides, could you think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than being high as a kite? Well, to be honest, I probably can but I’m gonna try and roll the dice anyways.

#luckynumberseven #ebbsandflows #Ketamine #treatmentresistantdepression #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicide #suicideawareness #rollthedice #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #nextsteps #psychiatry #psychedelics #disassociation #thefightofmylife

Nothing Left To Give

I feel like I have nothing left to give. 

My motivation is somewhere lost in space and my energy is completely depleted. 

I’m anxious as fuck yet emotionally numb.

This last week has taken so much out of me. Visits and regular check-ins from friends have definitely been what’s kept me going.

I feel everything all at once, yet at the same time, I feel absolutely nothing at all. 

I’ve laid low on social media for the better part of my week, it’s been a much needed break. I’ve had no energy for a #summerofrich hike this weekend and even the thought of taking a relaxing bubble bath feels like too much work. 

I haven’t written anything for days, not even to myself. I’ve been too afraid of putting my thoughts from my head down on paper but I made a promise to myself that today I will try to because writing is an important outlet for me. It gives me power over my thoughts.

I have so many questions that I need to answer. Decisions that need to be made.

I’m trying to focus with what little energy I have right now on my journey itself and not my actual destination though. 

My heart feels heavy, my brain is in a fog and my body is crying out in pain. 

I need to try and refuel my tank first before I can do anything else because I truly feel like I have literally nothing left to give. 

Self-care is critical. Sometimes self-care means saying yes and sometimes it may actually mean saying no. 

Everything else for now will simply have to wait.

#selfcare #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #writing #journey #friendship #yourmentalhealthmatters #anxiety #panicattacks #depression #suicideawareness #nothinglefttogive #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok 

Am I Psychic 🔮?

I live with a severe anxiety disorder (I know, tell me something you don’t already know).

It’s like an endless thought loop that leaves me feeling restless and exhausted most days. 

I overthink EVERYTHING and jump to way too many conclusions. 

My brain rarely shuts off and for several days now my brain hasn’t been able to shut off AT ALL. 

I can’t get off this hamster wheel.

I am beyond overwhelmed right now by so much of my life and my anxiety has become completely unmanageable and highly distressing since late Saturday night. (See blog: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/11/14/being-real/)

I’ve been in a constant state of fear, worry, fight or flight response and panic round the clock, just waiting in doom, obsessing and overanalyzing everything. You can probably feel how elevated my heart rate is right now from across the room.

I’m an empath (honestly it feels more like a curse).

I feel things VERY deeply and have a strong intuition. It’s convinced my anxiety that I must have psychic abilities because I incessantly foresee something really, really bad is about to happen. If only I had a crystal ball.

But the problem with my theory is that our intuition usually comes from a more mindful and calm state. Being intuitive or having psychic abilities is allowing the messages in our brain or energy from our body to come through in a healthy, positive, matter-of-fact and plausible way which is, well, the very opposite definition of anxiety.  

So I’m pretty sure I’m probably not actually psychic because that would mean that the visions I have would be way more objective, my intuition would be way more accurate and my anxiety would be way less intrusive. 

Do you believe in psychics?

#psychic #psychicabilility #crystalball #intuition #anxiety #anxietydisorder #fightorflight #mentalhealth #mentalillness #wellbeing #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #intrusivethoughts 

Being Real

Last night I was cruising along.

Our friends came over for the evening; good friends. 

I am most comfortable being me when I am at home.

We had dinner together. We watched the Raptors and Leafs games. We laughed. 

I was okay, or at least on the surface I was. But I’ve gotten so used to masking my symptoms of depression and anxiety by now when I’m in the company of friends and family or even strangers.

It can be confusing for others to understand, I get it, but try to imagine, just for a moment what it feels like being that person, the person who has had to learn the art of how to fake it til you make it so not to make others around you feel uncomfortable; it can be very debilitating and super exhausting. 

I know I don’t have to wear a mask around many of my friends and loved ones, including the ones who came over last night and for the most part I wasn’t. I was genuinely enjoying our time together but I also know if need be I don’t have to fake my happiness around them either. I am truly comfortable in their company. It always feels so easy.

It may explain then, why suddenly, out of nowhere towards the end of our evening together my illness took hold of me and began to rear its ugly head.

I guess I just burst. I couldn’t catch my breath. My mind went to a very dark place. 

It stayed with me throughout the entire night. 

My mood is very low still today and my anxiety extremely high. It’s crippled me to the point where I can’t focus on anything else or leave my bed for that matter.

But I know that it’s okay to not be okay. I know I’m not alone in this fight and I know how blessed I am to be able to remove my mask and let it all out whenever I need to share my emotions, my pain and even my rants because trying to fake it til you make is very debilitating and super fucking exhausting. 

#beingreal #fakeittilyoumakeit #removingyourmask #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #friendship #family #startaconversation

Participation Badge

Today we ventured out for a #summerofrich “Fall Edition” hike not to far from home.

It was calling for rain.

The air was crisp and you could suddenly feel how quickly the seasons are changing again.

Last month I completed another #ontariohikingchallenge and received my honorary badge through the Ontario Hiking Facebook group earlier this week. The last challenge was in July.

Participating in these challenges every few months to receive a participation badge via email may seem silly to some people but for me it’s a great way to help keep me motivated to get out and hike at least 5 times during that particular month.

The next challenge is set for January; I’m not so sure I will have the same enthusiasm right smack in the middle of winter but there is a certain level of adrenaline that comes when I open my inbox and see my badge waiting there for me and knowing that by setting goals with intent, no matter how big or small they may seem can give you quite a feeling of accomplishment upon completion.

#OntarioHikingBadge #ontariohiking #ontariohikinggroup  #October #setgoals #withintent #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #yourmentalhealthmatters #ontarioisyourstodiscover #nature #hiking #alltrails

Today is “World Kindness Day” (November 13th).

It only takes one act of kindness to make a world of kindness in someone else’s life.

Inspire kindness, spread kindness, make kindness the norm.

Do it with good intention, not for anything in return.

And remember that kindness isn’t only about extending it towards others, so don’t forget to leave some of that kindness for yourself too.

How will you spread kindness today?

#worldkindnessday #makekindnessthenorm #inspirekindness #kindnessmatters #payitforward #selfcare #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #youareenough

Carey Price is Unstoppable

If you are a hockey fan, especially a Montreal Canadiens one then the news that broke about a month ago that their beloved goalie Carey Price was taking a leave of absence from his team to enter into the NHL’s “Player Assistance Program” probably came as quite a shock.

Yesterday, Carey broke his silence by releasing a statement to both the Media and his fans on Instagram, giving an honest update on his recovery.

He told them that in early October he had entered a residential treatment facility for substance abuse which is where he stayed for a month and then bravely admitted that “over the last few years I have let myself get to a very dark place and didn’t have the tools to cope with that struggle.”

Asking for help or admitting that you need help when struggling with a mental illness is possibly the most difficult step towards facing one’s fears and being able to begin the healing process for anyone but sadly it is even more so for men; and to further add to that, men like Carey Price who are looked upon by so many as a Superhero.

But Carey has shown the world what a true Superhero looks like by proving that no matter who you are, your greatest superpower is allowing others to see that it’s okay to not be okay and that asking for help or admitting you need help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage. Both are qualities that no one should EVER be ashamed of.

Carey further states to the Media and on his Instagram post that he is continuing to work on his mental health “which will take some time to repair. All I can do is take it day by day. With that comes some uncertainty with when I will return to play.”

That last line also probably came as quite a shock to many of his fans and Media. But as someone who has been battling a mental illness for more than seven years now I can tell you that it doesn’t work that way. Just because Carey took a month off to focus on his mental health, (something he also admitted in his press release to neglecting for many years) and spent a month in a treatment facility does not mean that he’s suddenly all better and ready to get back in the net. 

Having a mental illness is not something that people battling one can necessarily just “get over” in a month’s time or “snap out of”, even if you are a “Superhero”.

Carey Price is a true leader for change and I have no doubt that once he is well enough to return to his teammates (which seem to need him more than ever before 😊), he is going to be unstoppable both on and off the ice and I can’t wait to see where his superpowers take him next. 

You are not alone @cp0031

#careyprice #nhl #selfcare #mentalillness #mentalwellness #substanceabuse #goalie #movember#montrealcanadiens #ohcanada #unstoppable #mentalhealth #mensmentalhealth #superheros #superpowers #itsoktonotbeok #yourmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #youareenough #imstilladiehardleafsfan

I Appreciate You

In case no one has told you lately, you are appreciated.

I appreciate you for being a part of my life 💚.

With much love and gratitude I am thankful to each and every one of you for allowing me to share my journey with you.

Let someone know you appreciate, respect, cherish, admire, value and treasure them today.

#worldkindnessweek #iappreciateyou #appreciation #thankful #grateful #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #myjourney #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough