Overwhelmed With Gratitude

*Warning: Could be potentially triggering to some*

This Thanksgiving weekend I have so much to be THANKFUL for and I am overwhelmed with such GRATITUDE right now from the outpouring of kindness and love and support that has been shown to me and my ENTIRE family in SO many DIFFERENT ways.

I am slowly learning to embrace the help I so desperately need right now and accept that it’s okay. 

Sometimes it takes a village in order to do so. 

But that’s okay too.

And by learning how to let go of one’s pride and embrace the kindness and love and support of so many wonderful friends, family and truly an entire village has aroused so many super important conversations over the past few days and it has also afforded me the privilege of making many new and some really special connections as well; it’s truly been such a HUGE BLESSING. 

I am THANKFUL and overwhelmed with GRATITUDE.

As many of you probably know by now I have been doing all that I can to survive for weeks now and by Thursday evening I honestly felt like I was about to take my last breath.

The build up of everything I’d been feeling just became too much and I could no longer allow myself to be a burden anymore, to anyone.

I’d hit rock bottom. 

After dinner as I began to spiral further I told Rich that I was cancelling the Ketamine treatment. I just wanted to die rather than live with the guilt I felt. I became angry, mostly at myself and then eventually inconsolable. Rich suggested he take me to the hospital. I gave it some thought for a moment but instead I turned around, went into my bathroom, closed the door behind me and sat on the floor in the dark, crying. 

Rich came in and tried to console me. I asked him to please leave and let me be. He did as I asked, but not for long. When he returned again he found me still sitting on the floor, still crying, still in the dark but by now there was an open bottle of Tylenol on the counter and a pair of tweezers tightly clutched in my hand. I was desperate to find whatever means I could to end my pain once and for all.

As soon as Rich realized what was happening he grabbed the tweezers from my hand, picked me up off the floor and held me until I was calm enough to lay down and try and get some rest.

Thursday I’d hit rock bottom. Or so I thought. Then Friday morning arrived. 

I went to sit outside on the front porch. It was 8 am. Rich followed me outside. It was decision day. My treatment had to be paid for in full by end of day. We spoke about what had transpired the evening before. For the first time in a very long time I understood that I truly couldn’t keep living like this, that WE couldn’t keep living like this and that my kids DEFINITELY didn’t deserve to live like this. We both knew that we had to find whatever means we could in order for me to do this treatment. We both felt so desperate. But suddenly for a brief moment I felt a sense of calm come over me and then Rich blurted out, “I lost my job yesterday and I haven’t been able to find the words to tell you”.

Fuck. Poof. Goodbye calm. Hello tornado.

But Rich wasn’t giving up; not on me, not on us and certainly not on our family. Nothing had changed for him in that moment. In his mind this was not going to be the end. It had to be the start of a new beginning. So he swallowed his pride, left his ego on our front porch and went to work creating a “Go Fund Me Page” to help us pay for the 6 initial treatments and for whatever other expenses we have been told by my Psychiatrist we are likely to incur over the coming months for the maintenance of treatment.

Today happens to be “World Mental Health Day” and it’s theme this year is “Mental Health in an unequal world.” This couldn’t be a more fitting theme given the unfair treatment gap, discrimination and many other barriers that so many people like myself face every day by not being able to have the same advantage or accessibility to affordable mental health care. We all deserve the same fighting chance.

But today, thanks to the kindness and love and support of my village, I have been given a fighting chance. 

Today I am THANKFUL and overwhelmed with GRATITUDE. 

https://gofund.me/39f62d61

#Thanksgiving #worldmentalhealthday #ketaminetreatment #gofundme #mentalhealth #endthestigma #treatmentresistant #depression #anxiety #itsoktonotbeok #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough #youarenotalone #suicideprevention #suicideawareness  #grateful #thankful #blessed #ohcanada #happythanksgivingcanada

World Mental Health Day

Today, October 10th, 2020 is World Mental Health Day. For over 7+ months now our entire world has been met with the most unimaginable challenges and tragic losses and moving forward, probably for many years to come, there is going to be an even greater substantial need to have more and more Psychological and Mental Health supports put in place that are more readily and easily accessible to everyone.

So this year’s goal for World Mental Health Day comes as no big surprise as they turn their focus to ensuring that there is a sizeable investment made in Mental Health programs, Research and Education both on a National and International level which as many of us know firsthand is dangerously underfunded.

But just this past week, right here in Toronto I felt that first glimmer of hope unfolding toward that goal as CAMH (Center For Addictions and Mental Health), together with many community leaders (including the Premier of Ontario) unveiled their two, brand new State of the Art buildings at this historic landmark.

They will be opening to the public next month and it will include 235 inpatient beds and 600,000 square feet of safe space to allow for healing and recovery.

BRAVO to everyone involved for taking this critical step forward in creating this incredible safe and inclusive space for our community and beyond.

I myself have personally benefitted from many of their world renowned community outreach programs and resources and I am hopeful that this redevelopment will help benefit many others in the near future too.

Please remember that you are not alone ❤

#worldmentalhealthday #mentalhealthishealth #camh #mentalillnessawarenessweek #youareenough #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok @catherinezahn @camhnews @fordnation @celliottability

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and its main focus is on suicide prevention. Today we need to start important and necessary conversations. Today we need to check in on our loved ones. Today we need to give hope to someone who may need it the most. Today we need to ensure that no-one feels alone. It takes less than a minute to do so and by being present in someone’s life who may be feeling vulnerable right now can make all difference.

Whether it’s a quick chat over a cup of coffee or a simple text message or maybe a phone call or even a quiet visit together in the comfort of their home, I can tell you how much moments like these make a difference in my own life. Keep talking, keep sharing, keep showing up, keep being kind and compassionate toward others because your voice may just be the voice who gives someone else the courage to reach out for the help they need. #givesomeonehopetoday #itonlytakesamoment #itsoktonotbeok #suicideprevention #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #mentalillness #mentalhealthawarenessweek #worldmentalhealthday #checkonyourlovedones #startaconversation #youareenough #empowerment #compassion #kindness