My Bedside Table

*Could be potentially triggering to some people*

My Psychiatrist prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication last week as part of my new treatment plan. It’s been several years now since I’ve taken any kind of prescription medication at all to help treat my illness but I agreed to try this in hopes of finding even the slightest bit of relief because asides from my symptoms of depression and suicidal ideations becoming increasingly more and more active and beyond my control over the past month, so too has my anxiety and panic (do you know what it feels like to want to climb out of your skin?).

I began taking them on Saturday morning. 

My doctor had told me during our Zoom call a couple of days earlier that I’d need to take one pill every morning and one pill before bed every night and to then increase the doses to two pills in the morning and two pills before bed after a few days. But just to be clear here, it was actually Rich he was giving the information to, not me, as Rich has been under strict instructions from any and all of my doctors to keep all of my medications out of my reach (like that of a toddler) ever since I began to abuse my use of prescription drugs several years ago. 

I thought I was okay with all this because this medication was not considered an antidepressant as I have made it super clear to every new Psychiatrist I’ve encountered over the past many years, whether it be in a hospital setting or in a Doctor’s office that I no longer wish to be prescribed any more antidepressant drugs, EVER, after experiencing the excruciating side effects they had caused both my body and mind over a period of several years of trial and error which ultimately led to my diagnosis of Treatment Resistant Depression.

So I thought I was okay with all this. 

But by Sunday morning when I awoke to another pill sitting by my bedside table which Rich had left there for me to take, I suddenly realized that I was not okay with it and by Sunday evening those feelings turned to rage as I went frantically searching throughout the house for his hiding spot in hysteria (he had stepped out of the house for a half an hour and I saw it as my golden opportunity).

To be honest though, I’m not really even sure what I was trying to accomplish had I found my stash of pills (including sleeping pills which I was also prescribed and has actually been helping me to get some sleep) but I became inconsolable and in that very moment all I could think of was finding the pills so that I could finally unburden Rich of me once and for all.

I didn’t find them.

It’s now 1:30 AM Tuesday morning as I write this. I could be fast asleep by now had I already taken my new sleeping pill that is sitting by my bedside table but instead I’m lying here in tears, scared and feeling like I don’t want to continue with our agreed upon plan, none of it. 

I’ve been laying here in the dark for hours just staring at the pills which Rich left by my bedside table deciding whether or not to take them. And the demons in my head are dancing around claiming their victory (kinda like the Liberal party in Canada is doing right now as well).

I did eventually shut down the demons bantering just long enough to take them. But I’m not okay with all this, even if I know in my heart it is for my own safety and for the good of my health.

#emotionallydefeated #cantdothis #imaburden #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #depression #anxiety #panic #mentalillness #mentalhealth #treatmentresistantdepression #medication #itsokaytonotbeokay #youmatter #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough

The Past Few Days

I have spent the better part of the past few days since my visit to emerg trying to process everything while still desperately figuring out whether or not I even have the strength anymore to keep going.

The Psychiatrist who was assigned to my care the other day was a very special and very rare find as far as any encounter I’ve ever had with a Psychiatrist in an emergency room before. He went above and beyond anything I have ever experienced during a visit to emerg and trust me when I say I’ve had my fair share of experiences. 

So I knew that when he finally agreed to release me later on that evening I had to respect his wishes and follow through on the many promises I had just made to him, beginning with the promise of self-advocacy; something that I struggle with a great deal (in case you missed my blog the other day please check it out here: https://youareenough712.wordpress.com/2021/09/15/yesterday-could-be-potentially-triggering/ ).

You see, it’s very difficult to advocate for yourself when you don’t believe that you are worthy enough or deserving of. 

Knowing how overwhelmed I was feeling and knowing how hard it is for me to even complete the simplest of tasks (scheduling appointments being one of them), Rich took it upon himself to help jump start the process of self-advocacy the very next morning, starting with making a follow up call to my GP’s office on my behalf, hoping that she could somehow escalate an appointment quicker to see my Psychiatrist.

That’s when he learned that the referral he’d requested 3 weeks earlier in order for me to make an appointment with my Psychiatrist because I hadn’t seen him in over a year had never been sent out. 

She had been on vacation that week but Rich was assured it would be sent as soon as she was back in the office the following week. 

Upon learning the disappointing news that it had never been sent out, Rich was assured again the other day that it would be taken care of right away. He waited a few hours to give my doctor’s office some time to fax it over and then he called the office of my Psychiatrist to make me that appointment. They still hadn’t received the referral and still would not make the appointment without it even though I was already his patient but just hadn’t seen him since last year when the new treatment I was scheduled to begin the week of March 15th 2020 was abruptly cancelled due to ya know, a Pandemic!

Feeling frustrated and desperate and very impatient by now, Rich said screw this bullshit and sent an email directly to my Psychiatrist himself to explain what’s been going on. 

Within a few hours of sending him the email my Psychiatrist answered Rich’s pleas and copied his two assistants on the email asking that they schedule me in for an appointment to speak with him after hours the very next day on Zoom.

So late yesterday afternoon, feeling emotionally drained from the past few days and hungry from fasting all day being that it was Yom Kippur I finally reconnected with my Psychiatrist. A true gem and another rare find.

We spoke for the better part of an hour where along with Rich’s input a new plan was put into place immediately including a plan to pick up where we had left off last year and have his assistants schedule a first appointment at one of his other clinics to begin the treatment I was to start in March of 2020. 

There have been many changes to the treatment’s protocols and the actual administration of it as well and not just due to Covid but several other factors that have come into consideration since then while conducting many clinical trials. The treatment itself has also evolved as well due to more and more research and scientific discoveries. 

I’m still really overwhelmed and mentally exhausted right now to say the least and filled with so many mixed emotions today.

I’m so appreciative and grateful though for all the incredible support I have in my life (especially you Rich 💚), even if I may not feel worthy enough or deserving of it.

#selfadvocacy #overwhelmed #blessed #grateful #mentalillness #depression #anxiety #suicidalthoughts #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough 

Yesterday *Could be potentially triggering

Fact: Most people who take their own life don’t really want to die, they just want to stop hurting. 

So then what is the alternative when your pain is just too unbearable to handle and you feel so hopeless? Or helpless? Or empty inside? Or you can no longer live in the skin you’re in?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself over and over again for many years now. I’ve attempted suicide before and every time there has always been a voice inside my head begging me to stop or telling me that perhaps today may not be the perfect day to carry out my plan afterall and then they silently pray that I haven’t gone too far this time.

The last few weeks have been some of the most trying and horrifyingly scary days for me and for many of my loved ones as well.

I have been consumed with active thoughts of suicide, day and night and way more than usual. That voice inside my head has been watching me closely, as have the demons as well. The voice has been listening to me come up with a perfect plan and doing everything in its power to distract me from the demons in my head who keep egging me on while dangling a bottle of pills in front of its face. 

Yesterday felt too much, once again. I knew I felt unsafe and Rich could sense it. He asked Hannah to drive me to the hospital as she was the only one home with me at the time. I did what I’ve had to do many times before when the pain is just too unbearable. When I feel most hopeless and helpless and empty. I seek safety.

The emergency room doctor I spoke with was kind and supportive. She put me on a Form 1 which panicked me and meant that I could not leave the hospital for my own safety which also meant having security guards standing outside the room I was in for my own safety. 

After spending some time with the doctor she put in a request for the Psychiatric team to come talk with me further and figure out a plan.

The Psychiatrist was a gentle and very understanding soul. We talked in length about what’s been going on, some of my history and of course whether or not I should be admitted to the Psych floor for further observation. 

Here’s where things get more complicated for me and besides the panic of having my phone taken away from me while in-patient this is where I begin to tell myself again, it’s hopeless because I’m helpless. 

I have not been on meds for my depression for several years now. They have not worked for me, all twenty plus of them. Infact most of the meds caused further damage both mentally and physically. 

From my experiences with in-patient Psychiatric care it mostly comes down to medication and finding a balance that could potentially help me find my balance. I won’t do it again. I tried for many years and it just led to a further diagnosis of Treatment Resistant Depression. 

Since my last visit to emerg a few weeks ago (where I thought I’d give the new hospital close to my home a try, but never again!) I have been waiting for an appointment to see my Psychiatrist I’d been with since before the Pandemic began. In fact it was March 15th 2020 that I had a scheduled appointment to see him and for him to begin a new treatment with me. It was cancelled and I just stopped going. I got anxious about going especially to the one hospital in Toronto that was consistently on the news for the amount of Covid outbreaks they were having.

It’s now been over a year since seeing him, so I needed my GP to fax another referral to him. I haven’t heard anything as of yet and as I began to spiral even further over the past few weeks since my last visit to emerg I stopped caring because the hopeless feelings, the helplessness, the emptiness made me believe there was just no point anymore in trying because aside from all the medications, I’ve also tried probably 50 other types of treatments as well. You name it, I’ve done it. So why would this treatment be any different?

Well the Psychiatrist I spoke with last night came up with a plan with his team for me regardless of me telling him I’m helpless because he was certain that I’m not. He also told me that whenever I feel like I did yesterday or days previous that I am always welcome to come in just to sit in a quiet room and speak with their team and just get through the moment. 

He made me promise to continue to reach out to my safety net as well when I am at my breaking point. He also said something to me that I haven’t been able to get out of my head right before he agreed to cancel my Form 1 and release me from the wolves standing on guard outside my door.

I had told him during our initial conversation how I have found purpose in writing and blogging and educating people on mental illness and advocating for others who are just like me to do whatever is needed to seek care. He told me it’s a wonderful thing that I am doing for others, and very selfless and important and much needed work but he then said “But now it’s time that you start advocating for yourself as well”.

This he said, includes (with the help of Rich and my GP) that I get in touch with my Psychiatrist immediately to reinvoke our plan from last year and that I make sure to follow up with my GP on the plan he will be forwarding to her today as well for her to distribute a new anti-anxiety medication to me and to refill the sleeping pills he gave me which Rich will once again be burdened with to keep in a safe place and distribute them to me. 

Thank you all for your continued love and support. My apologies for not getting back to each one of you individually who took the time once again to comment on my posts or send me words of encouragement to me privately. I am overwhelmed right now and allowing myself to heal today in private. 

As ere of Yom Kippur (the holiest day of the year in the Jewish calendar) begins this evening I am praying to find forgiveness within myself and will take this time to reflect on today in order to find the beauty in tomorrow. 

#thankyou #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #advocacy #mentalhealth #depresionkills #anxietyisreal #suicidalthoughts #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsokaytonotbeokay #today #thebeautyoftomorrow #overwhelmed #reflection #yomkippur #forgiveness

Spinning Like A Fan *May be triggering*

It’s 1 am as I begin to write this. I just spent the better part of the past hour bawling my eyes out while Rich held my hand and Maggie tried to work her magic. 

Right before this scene played out I had been lying in bed watching my mindless Sunday night Reality TV shows while texting with some friends. 

I’d just had a “picture perfect” weekend which many of you may have seen from the #summerofrich pics I had posted on my Facebook and Instagram pages. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday doing the things I love; being outdoors, enjoying quality time with family and friends. 

But as I lay there in bed watching my mindless reality TV and chatting with several friends, the highlight reel of my own reality started playing out in my head and the overwhelming disconnect I’ve been feeling from the world lately, even during these “picture perfect” moments left my mind spiraling out of control faster than the fan spinning beside my bed.

It felt like a big gust of painful emotions blew right through me.

And then I felt an emptiness inside of me as those “picture perfect” moments quickly got tangled up in the blades of my fan, leaving me in a ball of dust on the floor, convincing myself that maybe happiness doesn’t belong to me. That maybe I don’t deserve to feel joy and that maybe I’m truly not worthy of love or friendship or purpose afterall. 

This is what living with Depression and Anxiety can feel like somedays.

If ever you feel like your “picture perfect” moments are getting tangled up in the blades of your fan please remember that there is always help available to slow down the speed when it starts spinning too fast. 

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1.833.456.4566

#imnotok #youarenotalone #itsalrighttocry #pictureperfect #mindgames #mentalhealth #depressionkills #anxietyisreal #suicideawareness #themanyfacesofdepression #itsoktonotbeok #vulnerability

What’s the Point?

**Triggering content**

Not everyone around you will understand your journey and maybe not everyone is truly capable. 

I’ve had to accept this within my own personal journey. 

It’s destroyed many close relationships of mine.

But I know that my willingness to share my most vulnerable and intimate thoughts and feelings with all of you has helped bring about awareness to the many others who do want to understand what it’s like to live with Chronic and Treatment Resistant Depression, a debilitating Anxiety Disorder and Suicidal Ideations Every. Single. Day.

And I also know that by sharing my journey so openly and honestly has helped many more people feel less alone or ashamed. 

So then why do I suddenly feel like I should stop writing? Stop sharing my most intimate thoughts and emotions? Why at one of the most vulnerable points of my journey do I want to stop sharing my story all together?

Because well, it’s not like I Cancer you know. 

These were the words that I heard recently directed towards me during a conversation. Words that may not have necessarily been intended to be said with malice but words that can never be erased nonetheless. Words that dismissed the seriousness of my illness. Words that made me feel as though my need to create healthy boundaries and do what’s best for me are basically selfish because well you know, it’s not like I have Cancer.

Not everyone around you will understand your journey and maybe not everyone is truly capable. I’ve accepted this.

But I can no longer keep apologizing because of my “invisible” illness just because it can’t be detected through a body scan or an xray or a blood test and to be perfectly honest I’m just too damn tired to keep having to “defend” myself because I may not “look” sick. 

Depression is NOT a choice. Depression just is, just like Cancer or Diabetes just is. They can’t be rated on a scale of any kind and quite frankly they NEVER EVER should be. They are all just truly horrible illnesses and should be treated as such.

I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and that my purpose in life to raise awareness, educate and bring comfort to others has been overcome by even more pain and guilt and shame.

I know I should just “let it go” and try and focus on the many lives I do touch and those who appreciate me for who I am and what I have to offer but sadly, having the ability to just “think positive” when living with Depression or Anxiety is one of the biggest obstacles we face.

I’ve been inconsolable for days now and have been left feeling like what’s the point of writing, sharing my journey or living life?

#whatsthepoint #feelinghopeless #iquit #suicideawareness #feelingdefeated  #yourmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone

Stresstember

Can you believe it’s September already?

September can be a very stressful month for many. It often means saying goodbye to the mindset of carefree summer days.

Add in so many uncertainties surrounding the Pandemic into the mix and this September could likely be even more challenging for many more.

If you feel more stress in September, YOU are not alone.

With the kids heading back to school, changes in routine, jam packed schedules, many unknowns, a change of seasons, shortening daylight hours; anxiety and overwhelm are certain to play a big role in many of our lives during the month ahead.

September is also “National Self-Care Awareness Month”.

Self-care knows no boundaries, unfortunately neither do anxiety and overwhelm.

Everyone can benefit from practicing self-care. It’s not SELFISH!

So take advantage of it in the month ahead and make self-care an important part of your daily routine.

Pay attention to how you are feeling.

Communication is key.

Healthy boundaries are imperative.

Practice being kind to yourself and tell your guilt to fuck off.

How do you prepare for Stresstember?

How do you ease back into a routine?

What is one thing you look most forward to in September?

***Leave your emojis in the comments as to how you are feeling about the month ahead.

😖🥸😞😇

#September #stresstember #nationalselfcareawarenessmonth #stress #overwhelm #healthyboundaries #communicationiskey #bekindtoyourself #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #selfcare #yourmentalhealthmatters #youarenotalone #youareenough

I Can See It In Your Eyes *May be triggering *

Our eyes don’t lie. 

They play a vital role in revealing our deepest thoughts and emotions. 

My depression knows it.

It waits for that perfect moment to make its move.

For me to give it a sign.

With the blink of my eye, a blank stare or a subtle wink it assures me its the right time. 

It closes in on me.

It feels the defeat in my eyes and plays off my fears.

It thrives on my weaknesses. 

It tells me what I long to hear.

It reassures me that it’s okay.

It seems to know what’s best for me when it looks in my eyes.

It tells me to stop procrastinating.

It knows I procrastinate alot.

It sees the tiredness and hopelessness in my eyes.

I stare back into its eyes. They look angry, agitated. 

I give it a look of despair.

It senses I may distrust its judgment. 

So it tells me to rest my eyes for a while, promising to never leave my side.

I lay there in silence, feeling alone and afraid, with one eye open, hoping it won’t notice.

#inyoureyes #theeyesofdepression #icanseeitinyoureyes #suicideawareness #depressionkills #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough

What Does It Feel Like To Be Suicidal

*May be triggering*

I think about suicide, like ALOT. 

If I’m being honest, it probably crosses my mind at least once per day, but most days I am able to distract it or change the subject. 

But then there are the days or even weeks when it decides it wants to fight back. 

It gets angry.

It uses scare tactics.

It bullies me.

And oftentimes it has pressured me into doing things I don’t want to do. 

For the better part of a week now I’ve been finding it more and more difficult to distract it. I do so for a while and try my darndest to change the subject but that only seems to be making it fight back even harder, and it seems angry. 

Which makes me even more vulnerable.  

The best way to describe what this feeling is like would be to compare its likeness to that of the antagonist in a horror film chasing after the heroic protagonist through the dark and foggy woods with a bloody butcher’s knife in hand.

You feel an adrenaline rush. You feel scared and alone.

You can barely catch your breathe.

You try running faster as you look back into the dark and fog filled woods. You can hear the rustling of leaves and you know that the antagonist is gaining speed. Then suddenly you lose your footing and collapse from exhaustion. You feel like you can’t run anymore.

*** I am needing to take a short break from social media. I’m at my breaking point. I have such an amazing community of support surrounding me which will never go unnoticed. I love and appreciate you all! xoxo 

*if you or someone you know is in crisis please tell someone immediately*

#suicide #depression #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalillness #breakingpoint #socialmedia #takecareofyourself #selfcare #youarenotalone #dontsufferinsilence #youareenough

One of Those Days

Do you ever feel like you’ve had “one of those days?” 

I’m pretty sure you know what I mean right? 

We’ve all experienced those days where no matter what, nothing seems to go your way. 

Your day may start off seemingly “normal” but then something unexpected or presumably unwarranted happens which leads to a chain of events that quickly spirals into “one of those days”. 

I kinda feel like I’ve been living “one of those days” for seven years now though and this week was no exception. 

We can’t control everything that happens to us but on many of “those days” I keep trying my best to find a way to survive them.  

I posted a pic yesterday on social media which many of you reading this may have seen. It captured the essence of a picture perfect afternoon I’d spent with a couple of friends boating at the lake and smiling through Depression.  

What it didn’t show was how I almost didn’t go. 

Like one of my friends was literally sitting in my driveway all ready to pick me up to head up north to visit our friend’s lake house for that picture perfect day on the water and I was frozen in panic.

All because of the chain of events which had started early morning the day before and continued into the wee hours the next morning when Maggie suddenly became ill in the middle of the night; just adding insult to injury. 

It had been “one of those days” where nothing felt right. I’d just spent the previous 24 hours angry, panicked and crying and it was now trickling into the next day for me. 

But I chose to go. I went knowing that if I stayed home I would be giving up even more control of my emotions which is something I absolutely hate feeling more than anything. That feeling leaves my judgment very clouded. 

I knew I couldn’t change the events of the day before and that by going I was both acknowledging and accepting that.

I also knew that it would be good for me to go and try to get out of my head, even for just a few hours. I needed to go in order to prove to myself that I can be in control of some of my emotions and that I actually have the power to do so.

What do you try and do to take control of your emotions when you are having “one of those days”?

#oneofthosedays #takingcontrolofyouremotions #selfcare #acknowledgeandaccept #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #depression #anxiety #panicattacks #suicidalthoughts #suicideprevention #awareness #mentalillness #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough 

I Have a Secret and It’s Weighing Me Down

We all carry secrets.

In fact science predicts that we are probably holding onto thirteen secrets right now that we have never shared with another living soul.

Holding onto secrets can sometimes be both stressful and harmful to one’s own mental health.

People reach out to me all the time in confidence and share many of their deepest and most intimate experiences and struggles with their mental health or that of a loved one. 

I don’t share a thing (unless of course they could be in danger of harming themselves or someone else). 

It’s not my story to tell. 

Instead I just offer up a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and some guidance if needed. 

I love that so many people, many of whom I don’t even know personally feel like they can come to me in confidence and share their intimate experiences and struggles. That is the reason why I continue to share my journey with you.

But last week someone came to me with a different type of secret and it has been weighing me down for the better part of a week now. 

The secret was shared with me without my consent and I wish more than anything that I could erase it from my mind.

Holding onto this secret and not being able to share it with anyone has taken a real toll on my own mental well-being this week. It should never have been shared with me in the first place.

The individual knew that by sharing this secret with me would be putting me in a very big predicament. But they went ahead and shared it anyways. It was beyond self-serving and selfish. 

The secret also came with a stern warning (after they blurted it out) that NOBODY else apparently knows about it and that nobody EVER could, especially of course the person that would be affected most by it if they ever found out. 

That somebody just so happens to be someone I respect deeply and is also a dear friend, but so was the person who shared the secret, or so I thought.

This secret has no direct impact on my own life whatsoever but it could potentially make a great impact on my friend’s life if they knew; for the better that is.

I’ve been so upset all week and don’t know what to do. It’s consuming me. It’s burdensome and my energy reserve has been depleted because of it. I’ve obsessed over it for almost a week now.

Many other people would’ve probably forgotten all about it by now but that’s just not how my overly anxious, compassionate and depressed mind works. 

I have found the need to emotionally detach myself from both parties because on one hand I’m angry and on the other hand I’m feeling so beyond overwhelmed with guilt knowing what I know.

I’m not concerned about the one friendship who clearly stepped over the boundary of trust and confidence by placing me in this predicament in the first place because that is not true friendship.

But what if I do decide to share this secret with the person I care deeply about, knowing how much they deserve to know and the next thing I know is there’s a hit put out on me!?🙂

Have you ever held onto a secret that completely weighed you down?

#secrets #mentalhealth #mentalwellness #friendship #trust #caughtinthemiddle #predicament #anger #sadness #overwhelm #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough