Loving Someone with Depression

Suffering from depression is more than just a feeling of sadness.  It affects how you think, feel and function on a daily basis.  It can prevent you from working, going to school or participating in many social settings.  It can hinder your ability to concentrate, or enjoy activities that once gave you great pleasure.  It can interfere in your sleep and appetite, either eating or sleeping too much or too little, deeply affecting your energy level, and it can impede greatly on your relationships with your loved ones.

Trying to help a loved one suffering from depression can be extremely frustrating, stressful, challenging and exhausting to say the least, in turn causing some of the strongest bonds to become strained and/or terminated. Just like the individual who is suffering from depression, a loved one may feel helpless and discouraged in their attempts to support them.   For the individual suffering from depression it can and does transpire into feelings of being a burden to their loved ones and can and does create a great deal of guilt, no matter how old or how young you are.

I have felt first hand the affects my depression has caused for my loved ones, their frustration, their sadness and their inability to “fix” me.  Please know first and foremost that it is not up to you to “fix” me, you are not to blame and you are most certainly not responsible for what I am going through.  I know that my depression is hurtful to you and I know how difficult it is for you to understand, let alone know how to help.

Please know that I don’t “choose” to feel this way, please know that I can’t just “snap out of it”, please know that I don’t always have a reason, please know that it is never my intent for you to take it personally, please know that it overpowers me and please know that it is a constant battle.

Please know as well that I am very much aware that “others have it worse”, please know that I am grateful for my amazingly supportive husband and that I have been blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy children and please know that I appreciate you and all your sentiments, I really, really do.

If the Stigma surrounding Mental Illness is ever going to end, it needs to start with kindness and education.  When someone you love is suffering from depression or any other Mental Illness the first and most important thing someone can do is to start by educating themselves and learning how to talk about it in a thoughtful, compassionate and sensitive way.  It’s not advice we may be looking for, but instead it’s wanting and needing someone to listen and offer words of encouragement and hope.

It’s okay to ask questions, in fact it’s imperative to ask questions.  It’s important to be non-judgmental and patient.  Show you care with words and gestures, check-in as often as you can, give hugs when needed, stop by for a visit, let them know you are there for them.  Just please don’t ever devalue our feelings or desert us no matter how hard it may be.  You wouldn’t desert a loved one suffering from any other debilitating and sometimes deadly illness, would you?

You Are Enough

This week I once again faced a difficult challenge.  I was asked to look inside myself and make a conscious effort to find one personal strength of mine.  Once upon a time I could have answered you without batting an eyelash.  Now, instead what it did to me was trigger emotions and feelings of self-doubt, worthlessness and vulnerability creating darkness beyond repair.

Depression and Anxiety have taken away my ability to feel any type of pride or confidence in myself.  They have taken away my ability to believe in my own capabilities and successes.  They have taken away my ability to be satisfied, feel valued and accept both my strengths and weaknesses, and lastly, they have taken away my ability to feel love for myself.  In a nutshell, they have taken away my “self-esteem”.

Self-esteem is a subjective view based on one’s own personal and favorable impression of their worth and abilities.  Most people with a high or healthy level of self-esteem are very self-aware and confident in their own character, feelings and desires, but when someone like myself struggles with depression and anxiety they lose those feelings and desires.

Having an unhealthy or very low self-esteem has caused me to view myself and the world around me in a very unrealistic way.  It exaggerates my limitations, mistakes and imperfections, putting significant strain on many important relationships in my life.  Over the past few years it has undoubtedly kept me from setting achievable and attainable goals for fear of more failure or the improbability of success.  It also has and continues to rob me of the ability to appreciate or value my external being as well, no matter how hard I try.

Trying to boost your self-esteem back to a healthy level takes a great deal of strength.  “Of all the judgements I pass in life none are as important as the ones I pass on myself”.  This quote is from Nathaniel Branden, a Psychotherapist and author of several books on the topic of Self Esteem.  One such book he wrote titled Six Pillars of Self Esteem focuses on the importance of creating healthy, attainable achievements and healthy, successful relationships with oneself and others, providing the foundation for happiness and worthiness.

I know deep down I am solely responsible for my own actions and choices, I know deep down I am solely responsible for fulfilling my wants and needs, I know deep down I am solely responsible for achieving my goals I so desperately want, I know deep down I am solely responsible for my beliefs and how I conduct myself and I know deep down I am solely responsible for finding my purpose in this world through compassion, understanding, and acceptance.  I know deep down I need to learn to forgive myself…

 

Raising Three Teenagers Through a Distorted Mind

This week the world is once again mourning another senseless tragedy. It seems to be becoming the new norm, which leaves us asking so many questions and paralyzing us with so many emotions. I am not alone with these feelings of shock, horror, anger, fear, helplessness, vulnerability, sadness and anxiety.

Living in Canada does not make us immune to these emotions or tragedies. We watch from the safety of our homes the heroic actions of survival and the unity of the world coming together to help the victims and their families and all the while knowing in the back of our minds that this could be the reality for you or your loved ones.

Trying to raise 3 teenagers in this uncertain world, both present and especially future has been a huge part of my chronic anxiety and depressive thoughts over the last few years. These feelings have crippled my rational thought process creating severe Cognitive Distortions. Although it is normal for everyone to experience Cognitive Distortions from time to time, when it becomes extreme it can become very harmful.

A Cognitive Distortion is simply defined as how one’s mind exaggerates our thought patterns to perceive reality inaccurately, continuously creating a negative outlook on everything. This is my reality I live with all day, every day, affecting the reality for my three teenagers trying to find their way in this world.

I do not want this to be our reality but for now it is. There are many different types of Cognitive Distortions and most of them have impacted my thought process detrimentally while trying to raise my kids, still trying to ensure that they grow up to be responsible, happy, empathetic and secure adults.

I often find myself “Disqualifying the Positive”, continuously using “Should” statements, “Emotional Reasoning” and having thoughts of “All or Nothing”, which just empowers the vicious cycle of negative thoughts over the positive ones.

Probably the most irrational thoughts or Cognitive Distortions I encounter regularly are called “Catastrophizing”, “Jumping to Conclusions, “Personalization” and “Over-generalization”, which meanings are exactly how they sound. I see only the worst possible outcomes to any given situation. I do not believe that my children would complain that they lack autonomy and freedom, however when they leave my home I feel an immediate sense of uncertainty and that something terrible is about to happen to them. This doesn’t just affect me, it greatly affects my children (and husband who is on the receiving end of it all).

The last thing I want to do is to burden my children any more than I already have with my issues or feelings of worthlessness, or constant feeling like I am a horrible role model, or a bad parent. I am unable to forgive myself for these irrational thoughts, and continue to try desperately not to damage their future selves which are being controlled through the perception of Cognitive Distortions. My feelings of guilt, agitation and anger are also being controlled daily by these emotions.

We continue to talk openly and honestly with our kids as they are old enough now and we want to ensure that they are advocates in helping to end the stigma attached to Mental Illness. We discuss with them many of my triggers and try to work together in a positive manner to help them understand what I need from them, but lets face it, they are teenagers and the reality is that teenagers themselves can be quite narcissistic and self-absorbed, all while dealing with their own raging hormones, by no fault of their own.

I just hope that they know how much I love them, that they can forgive me and know that I only want what’s best for them. I just hope that they feel secure in their own skin and can confide in me, even through my darkness. I just hope that they find fulfillment and purpose in every facet of their lives, and most of all I just hope that they will have a lifetime of good health and wellness.

My Inner Voice

Have you ever taken a good long, hard look in the mirror before, I mean literally taken a good, long hard look in the mirror and admired what was staring back at you? Yesterday during my therapy group I attend on a weekly basis, (a group that has probably taught me more in the last 6 months than any individual therapist has), asked us to tell one another something that they “love” about their body. Even though the group is filled with women only, and the least judgmental women you could ever meet, I immediately began to feel a panic attack come on. Tears started to well up in my eyes, my heart pounding out of my chest, my arms and legs shaking, and every negative thought imaginable entered my mind. As I tried to focus on what others were saying, I kept looking towards the door, trying to figure out how I was going to escape from the room, without making it too obvious. I could hear through the fog in my head, other women say how much they loved their eyes, their smiles, their bodies, and even their toes! My turn was approaching fast and I had such a numbness throughout my body that there was no way I was going to make it all the way across the room to the door without making a scene, and suddenly my name was called and a sea of eyes were upon me. Holding back my tears, taking a deep breath, and swallowing the lump in my throat, I said “there really isn’t any part of me I like right now!”

Our facilitator was having none of that and began telling me from her own observations what beauty she saw in me, but no matter how many times someone pays me a compliment, all I think about is how inadequate and worthless I feel. My internal voice which is better known as “self-talk” in the world of psychology has become extremely detrimental to my daily life, as I am constantly interpreting, perceiving and making assumptions about every conscious and subconscious situation I find myself in.

Negative “self-talk” is one of my most challenging aspects of living with depression and anxiety. I have been given many tools to learn how to deal with my unrealistic, self-defeating and very hopeless thoughts in my head, but my inner voice seems to really want to win the battle even when trying to challenge them with some more reasonable, non-judgmental ways of thinking.

They say practice makes perfect so I continue daily to debate with my inner voice. I have been taught to consciously make an attempt to simply say “STOP” when the negative “self-talk” enters my mind and try to evaluate my thoughts. Are these thoughts I’m having right at that moment realistic, or even true? What evidence do I have to support these negative thoughts? What do these thoughts really mean? Can I turn these thoughts around and make them positive? Is this situation as catastrophic as I believe it is?

When trying to battle the negative demons in my mind, I desperately ask myself as many questions as possible to try and take control of the already self-destructive situation. By doing so I am attempting to set small goals in the moment as well as it allows me to organize and sort through my thoughts in order to redirect my perception. As with every other challenge I endure, I am continuously trying to learn new skills, update and educate myself and maybe just maybe one day I will even conquer.

‘How Are You?’ My A to Z Through Depression

I am asked on a regular basis “How are you?” It is often very difficult to explain to someone how I am truly feeling without burdening them more than I already do, or continuously feeling insecure and embarrassed. People in general are asked the question “how are you?” on a daily basis as a common courtesy. Often times it is by an acquaintance or even a total stranger, likely a person you meet at the grocery store checkout or when stepping into an elevator, maybe it’s a colleague from work or quite likely a neighbour you encounter while out walking your dog. When asked this very simple question by a stranger or even an acquaintance the most common answers generally given are “I’m ok” or “I’m fine” (F.I.N.E. – Feelings I’m Not Expressing). They are fast and straightforward and avoid any further acknowledgement or judgement. But what if you’re not ok or you’re not fine, would you stand there and pour your heart out to these people, tell them you are depressed and suicidal? Most likely you would instead get the strength to smile and give them the response that they want to hear, and when it comes to family and friends it is really no different as their investment in you makes it that much more difficult to hear words that can hurt. I read somewhere that the average person tells 4 lies per day, 1460 per year, totaling 87,600 by the age of 60 and that “I’m Fine” is the most common lie of all. So what does that tell you?

It tells me that although there are millions of words in the English vocabulary, “less is more”, “simplicity” is appreciated over “complexity”, but sometimes it’s just not enough and that even if the truth hurts, the Stigma hurts more.

With that said, I decided to create my very own A to Z dictionary of words which may possibly describe “How someone is really feeling” or dealing with their feelings while living with Depression, Anxiety or any other Mental Illness. Hopefully this makes someone suffering alone not feel so alone!

 

My A To Z Through Depression

A: Anti-Social, Afraid, Abandoned, Achy, Anxious, Anti-Depressants, Alone

B: Broken, Brainless, Betrayed, Bitter

C: Counselling, Crying, Crisis, Coping, Catatonic, Confused, Crushed

D: Debilitating, Despair, Despondent, Dejected, Defeated

E: Excluded, Emotional, Exhausted, Empty, Embarrassed

F: Fragile, Fearful, Family/Friends, Forgetful

G: Grief, Gloomy, Grouchy

H: Healing, Hopeless, Helpless, Hurting

I: Insecure, Inability, Irritable, Isolated, Inadequate, Irrational

J: Judgement, Jealously, Jittery

K: Knowledgeable, Kindness, Kill

L: Labelled, Lacking, Lonely

M: Medicated, Mental, Misunderstood, Melancholy

N: Negativity, Needy, Nervous, Neurotic

O: Overwhelmed, Overcome, Offensive, Opposition, On the Edge

P: Pessimistic, Pained, Paranoid, Panicked, Psychiatric, Pathetic

Q: Questionable, Quiet, Quicksand, Quivering

R: Reality, Restless, Reckless, Rejected

S: Sadness, Scared, Suicidal, Stigma, Solitary, Struggling

T: Talk Therapy, Trapped, Treatment, Tearful, Terrified

U: Uncertain, Uncomfortable, Useless, Unfulfilled, Uneasy, Unpredictable, Unique, Unlovable

V: Validity, Vulnerability

W: Withdrawn, Worrying, Worthless, Weak

X: X-Ray, Xanax

Y: Yielding, Yearning

Z: Zombie, Zilch, Zip, Zero