Overwhelmed With Gratitude

*Warning: Could be potentially triggering to some*

This Thanksgiving weekend I have so much to be THANKFUL for and I am overwhelmed with such GRATITUDE right now from the outpouring of kindness and love and support that has been shown to me and my ENTIRE family in SO many DIFFERENT ways.

I am slowly learning to embrace the help I so desperately need right now and accept that it’s okay. 

Sometimes it takes a village in order to do so. 

But that’s okay too.

And by learning how to let go of one’s pride and embrace the kindness and love and support of so many wonderful friends, family and truly an entire village has aroused so many super important conversations over the past few days and it has also afforded me the privilege of making many new and some really special connections as well; it’s truly been such a HUGE BLESSING. 

I am THANKFUL and overwhelmed with GRATITUDE.

As many of you probably know by now I have been doing all that I can to survive for weeks now and by Thursday evening I honestly felt like I was about to take my last breath.

The build up of everything I’d been feeling just became too much and I could no longer allow myself to be a burden anymore, to anyone.

I’d hit rock bottom. 

After dinner as I began to spiral further I told Rich that I was cancelling the Ketamine treatment. I just wanted to die rather than live with the guilt I felt. I became angry, mostly at myself and then eventually inconsolable. Rich suggested he take me to the hospital. I gave it some thought for a moment but instead I turned around, went into my bathroom, closed the door behind me and sat on the floor in the dark, crying. 

Rich came in and tried to console me. I asked him to please leave and let me be. He did as I asked, but not for long. When he returned again he found me still sitting on the floor, still crying, still in the dark but by now there was an open bottle of Tylenol on the counter and a pair of tweezers tightly clutched in my hand. I was desperate to find whatever means I could to end my pain once and for all.

As soon as Rich realized what was happening he grabbed the tweezers from my hand, picked me up off the floor and held me until I was calm enough to lay down and try and get some rest.

Thursday I’d hit rock bottom. Or so I thought. Then Friday morning arrived. 

I went to sit outside on the front porch. It was 8 am. Rich followed me outside. It was decision day. My treatment had to be paid for in full by end of day. We spoke about what had transpired the evening before. For the first time in a very long time I understood that I truly couldn’t keep living like this, that WE couldn’t keep living like this and that my kids DEFINITELY didn’t deserve to live like this. We both knew that we had to find whatever means we could in order for me to do this treatment. We both felt so desperate. But suddenly for a brief moment I felt a sense of calm come over me and then Rich blurted out, “I lost my job yesterday and I haven’t been able to find the words to tell you”.

Fuck. Poof. Goodbye calm. Hello tornado.

But Rich wasn’t giving up; not on me, not on us and certainly not on our family. Nothing had changed for him in that moment. In his mind this was not going to be the end. It had to be the start of a new beginning. So he swallowed his pride, left his ego on our front porch and went to work creating a “Go Fund Me Page” to help us pay for the 6 initial treatments and for whatever other expenses we have been told by my Psychiatrist we are likely to incur over the coming months for the maintenance of treatment.

Today happens to be “World Mental Health Day” and it’s theme this year is “Mental Health in an unequal world.” This couldn’t be a more fitting theme given the unfair treatment gap, discrimination and many other barriers that so many people like myself face every day by not being able to have the same advantage or accessibility to affordable mental health care. We all deserve the same fighting chance.

But today, thanks to the kindness and love and support of my village, I have been given a fighting chance. 

Today I am THANKFUL and overwhelmed with GRATITUDE. 

https://gofund.me/39f62d61

#Thanksgiving #worldmentalhealthday #ketaminetreatment #gofundme #mentalhealth #endthestigma #treatmentresistant #depression #anxiety #itsoktonotbeok #yourmentalhealthmatters #youareenough #youarenotalone #suicideprevention #suicideawareness  #grateful #thankful #blessed #ohcanada #happythanksgivingcanada

Go Fund Me

***this has been created by my husband***

Rich has set up a Go Fund Me page in my honour. This has to be the most difficult thing I have had to accept along my 7.5 year journey thus far. He is my everything and continues to fight for my life each and every day even when I no longer can.

I love you to the moon and back. Forever and a day.

#gofundme #mentalwellness #soulmates #iloveyou #suicideprevention #mentalillness

KEEP FIGHTING KIM…YOU ARE ENOUGH

Many of you reading this already know the journey which Kim has been on for the past 7.5 years now, many of you may not.

Kim has been battling with a chronic Depressive and severe Anxiety disorder since 2014. She struggles with daily thoughts of Suicide and has attempted to take her own life several times as well.

Over the course of the past 7 plus years she has spent many months in hospitals and attempted numerous treatments to help her including over 20 concoctions of Antidepressants, Electroconvulsive Treatment (ECT), Neurofeedback, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), group therapy, Psychotherapy and many other non-traditional treatments as well, all of which have fallen short of her recovery and led her to a further diagnosis of Treatment Resistant Depression several years ago. 

Kim does so much for others and has touched so many lives. She started writing a blog 4 years ago where she chronicles her daily struggles and very raw emotions with the world. Through sharing her story she has helped so many people understand the cruel reality of what living with a mental illness is like and she has allowed many more people living with a mental illness feel like they are not alone and that it’s okay to not be okay.

She has also written and self-published a children’s book helping loved ones help children understand and cope with their feelings when someone they love is suffering with Depression and she has remarkably raised over $15,000 for youth mental health as well through a graduation lawn sign initiative she began in the spring of 2020.

Her Psychiatrist has highly recommended that she try Ketamine treatment which has proven to be a great success in patients with Treatment Resistant Depression and suicidal ideations. 

She is set to begin her first treatment next week but she has been quite hesitant to do so as her illness has made her believe that she is not worthy of even trying it and that she will once again fail (her words) at yet another attempt at living the life she so deserves. She is also living with a tremendous amount of guilt as there is cost involved in doing such a treatment and our financial situation has been quite dire over the past year and a half due to employment situations and other circumstances and to add further insult to injury, I lost my job yesterday morning. 

Asking for help in this way is beyond difficult for me to do but I feel as though Kim’s life is more at risk than ever before right now and that if we were to cancel the treatment there is a very good chance we will lose her forever.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for every one of you who continue to love and support Kim on her journey toward mental health and wellness. I am truly grateful to all of you. 

Link to Go Fund Me page: https://gofund.me/39f62d61