*Warning: May be sensitive for some*
It’s after 4 AM as I write this.
Earlier tonight I took a sleeping pill. It was just before 8 PM to be exact. The night before I’d gotten a solid one and a half hours of sleep (which has become increasingly more and more the norm for me). It may come as no surprise then that I was beyond exhausted tonight and all I wanted more than anything else was to try and get some sleep. But I knew that once I got into bed, no matter how tired I was I wouldn’t sleep without some aid.
When I take a sleeping pill (usually a few nights a week to try and avoid building up an immunity to them) it can often take several hours for it to actually kick in so seeing how tired I was I really wanted to try and get ahead of the game tonight so I settled into bed and asked Rich to please bring me a pill which he keeps hidden from me for my own protection ); something I also have a very hard time accepting but understand at the same time, especially weeks like this one.
As I mentioned above it was just before 8 PM when he gave it to me. But by some grand miracle and from the abundance of exhaustion I was already feeling, the pill began to take affect much quicker than usual and within 20 minutes I could feel myself drifting off to sleep which I wasn’t about to fight off knowing just how much I needed to sleep.
But by 9 PM I was awake, wide awake infact, and here I am still very much awake many, many hours later.
Forty minutes give or take was how long I slept. Forty f@*king minutes.
Nighttime depression is honestly the worst. I experience it very regularly; whether it was just after a good day surrounded by friends or loved ones or after a warm bubble bath before bed or an afternoon spent hiking for hours in the hot summer heat, it’s there waiting for me to settle in for the night. For many people who battle Depression, it’s the time of day that you dread most and feel most trapped in your own thoughts. It’s the time of day you are most likely to experience an increased amount of loneliness, racing thoughts, agitation, emptiness, isolation and hopelessness.
Lying awake in the middle of the night, tossing and turning and unable to sleep you may also feel completely abandoned with only your negative thoughts to hold on to.
There are a ton of added stressors going on in my life right now (I’m likely not alone in that feeling) which isn’t helping when at 4:57 AM you find yourself “standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more you can honestly take” as you desperately try to refocus your catastrophic thoughts with your mind going a mile a minute further down a very dark and scary rabbit’s hole.
I’m sure some of you may be thinking as you read this that I should probably turn off my phone; which I am currently using to write this on (I’m not even gonna mention then that my TV is also on mute in the background) but these are much needed distractions for me during my insomnia /nighttime depression. I don’t do well in total darkness and to be completely honest I hate the stillness that comes with the night as well, both add a whole other layer of rumination and anxiety.
So for now as I desperately try to make it through another sleepless night I will snuggle under my weighted blanket with Maggie nestled up beside me and continue to repeat my mantra in my head; “Everything will be okay”, “Everyone is okay”, “I am okay”.
#nighttimedepression #insomnia #anxiety #suicideawareness #mentalhealth #mentalillness #youarenotalone #itsoktonotbeok #youareenough #mantra #sleeplessnights