Lucky Number Seven

*MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME*

I had a “check in” this morning with the Psychiatrist who I spoke with for the first time 3 weeks ago right after my fourth Ketamine treatment was completed. 

I mentioned to you at the time that my regular Psychiatrist who happens to also be the Clinical Director of the Ketamine treatment facility I’ve been going to had taken a two month Paternity leave upon the arrival of his first baby. He began his leave just days before the start of my first treatment. Not having him available to help guide me during my treatments has made it really hard.

He will be back at work next week (time flies when you’re having fun!) and I have an appointment already scheduled to speak with him next Thursday where I will discuss how the initial 6 Ketamine treatments went and what new plans and other options there are going forward which his colleague mapped out for me today.

I’ve really appreciated how compassionate and patient my Psychiatrist’s colleague has been with me during my 2 appointments with him but it’s just not the same feeling as having your own Doctor available to you who you are already comfortable with and knows your history.

I’ve been relatively quiet about my treatment since completing my sixth one a couple of weeks ago. The truth is I completely shattered several days later. 

I was afraid of this happening. 

I was afraid that I would fail at yet another treatment for my already Treatment Resistant Depression. Which in my eyes is exactly what has happened.

It’s left me feeling very vulnerable, overwhelmed, empty inside, numb, hopeless, sleepless, tearful, sad, EXTREMELY anxious and allured by suicide. 

Depression is always present in my daily life. There may be some ebbs and flows throughout my day or week but it has never disappeared. 

Life is not linear. When our life “flows” we can see and feel our purpose, our hopes, our dreams. But when our life “ebbs” we struggle to fight to hold onto our lifeboat in order to not get swept away by the currant. 

That’s how I’ve felt for many days now so after speaking with the Psychiatrist today I agreed to keep my appointment for this coming Saturday evening where I will attempt an additional Ketamine treatment at an even higher dose. oy vey.

Let’s just call it “Lucky Number 7” because apparently “Lucky Number 7” is a real thing and has a strong connection to many ancient beliefs; and besides, could you think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than being high as a kite? Well, to be honest, I probably can but I’m gonna try and roll the dice anyways.

#luckynumberseven #ebbsandflows #Ketamine #treatmentresistantdepression #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #suicide #suicideawareness #rollthedice #youarenotalone #youareenough #itsoktonotbeok #nextsteps #psychiatry #psychedelics #disassociation #thefightofmylife

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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