Being Real

Last night I was cruising along.

Our friends came over for the evening; good friends. 

I am most comfortable being me when I am at home.

We had dinner together. We watched the Raptors and Leafs games. We laughed. 

I was okay, or at least on the surface I was. But I’ve gotten so used to masking my symptoms of depression and anxiety by now when I’m in the company of friends and family or even strangers.

It can be confusing for others to understand, I get it, but try to imagine, just for a moment what it feels like being that person, the person who has had to learn the art of how to fake it til you make it so not to make others around you feel uncomfortable; it can be very debilitating and super exhausting. 

I know I don’t have to wear a mask around many of my friends and loved ones, including the ones who came over last night and for the most part I wasn’t. I was genuinely enjoying our time together but I also know if need be I don’t have to fake my happiness around them either. I am truly comfortable in their company. It always feels so easy.

It may explain then, why suddenly, out of nowhere towards the end of our evening together my illness took hold of me and began to rear its ugly head.

I guess I just burst. I couldn’t catch my breath. My mind went to a very dark place. 

It stayed with me throughout the entire night. 

My mood is very low still today and my anxiety extremely high. It’s crippled me to the point where I can’t focus on anything else or leave my bed for that matter.

But I know that it’s okay to not be okay. I know I’m not alone in this fight and I know how blessed I am to be able to remove my mask and let it all out whenever I need to share my emotions, my pain and even my rants because trying to fake it til you make is very debilitating and super fucking exhausting. 

#beingreal #fakeittilyoumakeit #removingyourmask #depression #anxiety #suicideprevention #itsoktonotbeok #youarenotalone #youareenough #friendship #family #startaconversation

Author: Kim Fluxgold

Wife, mom of 3 beautiful children, dog lover, creative sole and children's book Author. Sharing my journey with depression and anxiety through blogging in hopes of educating and ending the stigma.

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