You’ve probably heard this famous quote by John Lennon before, you know the one where he sings to his beautiful boy that “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”, a quote that seems to have become a self-contradiction in my own life. And what better time of year to reflect upon this quote than the beginning of a new year when everyone around you is busy making plans, setting new goals and looking toward their future.
You see making plans, setting goals and looking toward the future have not been an easy feat for me over the last 4+ years and that is why during this time of year I have stopped pressuring myself to do so because well you can probably figure the reasons out for yourselves by now (see blog New Year’s Resolutions & Depression, Dec 14, 2017). Sure I may do all those things on the exterior to give my life a false sense of direction or purpose but in doing so, it only seems to backfire leaving me feeling a further perception of hopelessness and failure.
This New Year’s is one that I won’t soon forget that’s for sure. While getting ready for bed the other night and anticipating the final day of 2018 both my husband and I simultaneously fell ill with an acute stomach bug (we are so insync!) that kept us up for the remainder of the night and asleep for the remainder of 2018. Such is life and there was nothing either of us could do about it but accept it for what it was; a very shitty end to a very shitty year (but at least I didn’t have to feel guilty this time for ruining our New Year’s plans all by myself since he was an equal participant!).
If I have learned anything throughout my journey it’s that life is so unpredictable and some things are just beyond our control and ya basically “life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans”. When I reflect upon the last 24+ hours I simply just want to laugh until I can cry no more. How am I supposed to feel any type of positive emotions as we move into 2019 when I continue to feel like I’m always being punched in the stomach (which is ironically how I do feel right now from having the flu)?
I just want so badly to believe that this was not another evil or cruel sign of what’s to come as the new year begins. I just want so badly to believe others when they offered their kind words and support yesterday, wanting me to believe that it is not another evil or cruel sign but instead a sign of a new beginning, a fresh start, a cleanse if you will. I just want so badly to feel hopeful as the new year begins and I just want so badly to believe in myself again. Is that really too much to ask knowing that life is going to continue to happen no matter what plans we try and make?