This week I once again faced a difficult challenge. I was asked to look inside myself and make a conscious effort to find one personal strength of mine. Once upon a time I could have answered you without batting an eyelash. Now, instead what it did to me was trigger emotions and feelings of self-doubt, worthlessness and vulnerability creating darkness beyond repair.
Depression and Anxiety have taken away my ability to feel any type of pride or confidence in myself. They have taken away my ability to believe in my own capabilities and successes. They have taken away my ability to be satisfied, feel valued and accept both my strengths and weaknesses, and lastly, they have taken away my ability to feel love for myself. In a nutshell, they have taken away my “self-esteem”.
Self-esteem is a subjective view based on one’s own personal and favorable impression of their worth and abilities. Most people with a high or healthy level of self-esteem are very self-aware and confident in their own character, feelings and desires, but when someone like myself struggles with depression and anxiety they lose those feelings and desires.
Having an unhealthy or very low self-esteem has caused me to view myself and the world around me in a very unrealistic way. It exaggerates my limitations, mistakes and imperfections, putting significant strain on many important relationships in my life. Over the past few years it has undoubtedly kept me from setting achievable and attainable goals for fear of more failure or the improbability of success. It also has and continues to rob me of the ability to appreciate or value my external being as well, no matter how hard I try.
Trying to boost your self-esteem back to a healthy level takes a great deal of strength. “Of all the judgements I pass in life none are as important as the ones I pass on myself”. This quote is from Nathaniel Branden, a Psychotherapist and author of several books on the topic of Self Esteem. One such book he wrote titled Six Pillars of Self Esteem focuses on the importance of creating healthy, attainable achievements and healthy, successful relationships with oneself and others, providing the foundation for happiness and worthiness.
I know deep down I am solely responsible for my own actions and choices, I know deep down I am solely responsible for fulfilling my wants and needs, I know deep down I am solely responsible for achieving my goals I so desperately want, I know deep down I am solely responsible for my beliefs and how I conduct myself and I know deep down I am solely responsible for finding my purpose in this world through compassion, understanding, and acceptance. I know deep down I need to learn to forgive myself…